Sometimes, It's Good to be a Follower
With 2017 well and truly behind us, it’s a good opportunity for one to start with a clean slate, reflect on what we would like to do differently this time around and really focus on our new year resolutions (before completely dropping them and reverting to our old ways a week or so later, because who are we kidding really). A classic example of such resolutions is consistently hitting the gym and trying to somewhat attain that toned body look you mostly see on health magazine covers. And while you’re at it, chances are you’re probably going to stumble across a few of these people below.
As described above, this person is above all else, LOUD. Regardless of the weight he’s lifting, be it 5 kg or 500 kg, he’ll will make sure that people living 4 blocks away can perfectly hear him and are very well aware of the exact number of sets he did. If men were somehow biologically capable of giving birth, then this is exactly the kind of sounds they would probably make while pushing a baby out. Lower the volume a little bit and you just might get an idea of how man perhaps communicated during prehistoric times before the invention of the concept of language.
The loudness of these guys is not restricted to when they’re lifting weights, they are generally loud during casual conversations with other people in the gym or when they’re walking around blurting out motivational words to fellow weight lifters along the lines of “3ASH YA WA7SH” or for some, “ONE MORE, YOU CAN DO IT” if girls are around. These guys are very easy to find at the gym because you simply need to follow the sounds or the trail of sweat on the floor because they obviously give it their all in training but seldom bring a towel.
This guy doesn’t really come to the gym for the purpose of training but rather for the change of scenery it provides while he/she ties up loose ends at work that can be arranged via phone calls or emails. As such, you will rarely ever find this guy using anything else in the gym other than the exercise bike (preferably one with a seat back) or the treadmill. Each one of these has a very particular use mind you, these guys aren’t kidding around. The treadmill is perfectly suited for work that can be accomplished via phone calls where the person will engage in various phone conversations that can range from 30 mins to two hours while causally walking and burning those calories away.
If that person works at a multinational organization which necessitates contact with foreigners, you will notice that he is constantly switching languages between Arabic and English depending on who is on the other side of the conversation. Depending on the type of gym he goes to, the person on the other end of the call will listen to background music of the latest hits or a summer ’98 mix tape. The exercise bike on the other hand is ideal for email typing from a handheld device because it eliminates the risk of falling off the treadmill which would make for a very unpleasant albeit funny situation but most importantly, it would rudely interrupt the train of thought the person was having with regards to the email he/she was about to send.
It is very easy to tell at first glance that this guy is completely out of his element, like a fish out of water. He’s rarely ever been to a gym before and that will most likely be particularly noticeable from his usually small/non-athletic build. In most cases, he is forcefully dragged into the gym completely against his will by a friend or relative. This guy has zero idea about how any of the gym machines work and needs supervision from whoever brought him absolutely 100% of the time. Otherwise, he will just awkwardly stand there observing the other people or he will injure himself by mishandling any of the machinery around him (but most likely he won’t bother touching anything and will head to the nearest “lost and found” to wait for his owner to come claim him).
Only a rare minority of those guys will make it through the first week before completely disappearing, never to return because they probably didn’t enjoy the experience very much and also because the person who brought them will most probably want to get rid of them because all that supervision means much less time for actual training and more time babysitting and explaining gym basics to a very visibly uninterested audience.
You’ll only find this type in the most elite/chic of gyms (à la Gold’s Gym) and there’s no way in hell you’ll find them at the local gym next door. These people take great pride in their gym attire and will only wear the most expensive of brands that are currently in fashion, which is more than they can say for the rest of you peasants wearing brand-less T-shirts and sweatpants at best and weird spandex fashion crimes at worst. Some of these male and female fashionistas somehow succeed in getting into very good shape, which is quite the mystery considering the fact that you could almost swear that they spend more time taking selfies than actually engaging in any physical exercise, let alone vigorously working out for the duration of their stay in the gym.
For centuries, scientists have endlessly debated about the existence (or lack thereof) of the invisible gym-goer. Do they even exist? Have they perhaps invented some sort of invisibility cloak that makes them invisible to the naked eye? You can clearly find their names in the gym records with the annual subscription fee paid year in and year out and yet, they are nowhere to be seen within the limited confines of the gym. Rare reports of unconfirmed sightings would sometimes surface at the exact same time every year (the 1st week of January before they completely disappear only to perhaps possibly return at the same time the following year for the same duration).
So if you look really closely during that time, you might just spot one of them if you get really lucky. Make a sound though and you’ll scare them away, so tread carefully! The mystery of the invisible gym-goer remains a conundrum that scientists all over the world are trying to figure out.
Sometimes, It's Good to be a Follower